Dave Puts The Great Back Into Britain
by The Editor
The PM says that he is working to restore our national fortunes, and that we should all be happy about the experience of living in modern Britain. Stuart Millson, meanwhile, is more sceptical...
By Stuart Millson
A recent press conference by the UK National Defence Association (an organisation which believes that Britain should have an air force, navy and army) highlighted how a resurgent Argentina - backed by those international asset-strippers in Communist China - could retake the potentially oil-rich Falklands territory with ease. At the same conference it was also revealed how China virtually controls the oil supply a little closer to home: apparently Beijing owns and runs most of the Grangemouth oil facility in Scotland - an inconvenient arrangement should we ever have an argument with the world's newest superpower. Come to think of it, England might even find itself enduring petrol rationing again, especially if we fall foul of the Scottish First Minister, Alex Salmond. (No doubt an "independent Scotland" will be signing all sorts of trade deals with the Chinese!)
Despite all of this, the Prime Minister is confident that we can regain the "Great" part of Great Britain, and that we should all feel confident about life in the 21st-century Yew-Kay. Of course, things are not terribly good for the 3,000 British Aerospace technicians who are about to be made redundant from their factories in Yorkshire and Lancashire. (Defence is not a good industry to be in at the moment, except if you are Chinese). And life is not exactly great in towns such as Derby, where most of the workforce at the rolling-stock engineering plant, Bombardier, is to be made redundant. (The Government awarded a lucrative rail contract, not to Bombardier, but to our German competitors, hence the sudden rise in unemployment in Derbyshire.) One wonders who will be commissioned to build the new high-speed rail link through the Chilterns. The Chinese, perhaps?
As we survey Dave's go-getting modern country, we might also spare a thought for the small shopkeepers whose premises were looted or destroyed by fire during the terrifying riots which engulfed most of our delightful inner cities during the summer. Needless to say, Dave and his ministers are enforcing drastic cuts in police numbers, explaining to us that the nation must reduce its colossal deficit. So we can all sleep safely in our beds, knowing that the next time the rioters have had enough of daytime TV and fancy a stroll to the local shopping centre, the Treasury has at least saved a few million pounds. And that has got to be good for the Overseas Aid budget, or the Irish/Euro bail-out fund!
But look on the bright side: the billion-dollar Olympics are coming to London, and a new series of Strictly Come Dancing is starting... As Dave says, the Great is really coming back into Britain! As a final thought, perhaps the Prime Minister and his Deputy could actually appear on Strictly, filling the gap left by Anne Widdecombe? I would love to see Dave and Nick dancing to Tony Blair's favourite song: "Things can only get better!"
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